So many people called me “healthy” when I was starving myself and popping handfuls of sedatives to survive overwhelming grief. I was running so much i was ripping the tendons off the bones in my leg and drowning in pain pills to knock back the pain so I could run more. Oh. And i was literally bleeding to death.

“You look so fit!”
“Look at how healthy you’re getting!”
“You look the best you ever have! You must be making good food choices.”

All I ate was rice krispy treats and Dr. Pepper and only those because One of my friends  begged me every day to eat *something.*

My blood pressure dropped. My doctor was impressed. Never mind that I had no blood and wasn’t functioning as a human. But hey! “Look at the scale. Look at all the pretty numbers! Wonder why your kidneys are low functioning? Oh well you’re really thin. You must be healthy!”

I’m wracked with guilt for gaining weight after I met my fiancé. i feel like I betrayed him by not continuing to starve to look “healthy.”

Healthy.

That was healthy.

And lo. I’m right back to where I was before it all. I started eating normally again and I’m having to fight to hold my “normal weight” because my metabolism is shot from the starvation. I want to lose 10 pounds. They are impossible.

I look at the sedatives and pain pills and know they are the key to looking “healthy” again.

But I don’t take them. I eat a a banana with peanut butter.

I feel guilty.