Sophia the Shadow

So many people called me “healthy” when I was starving myself and popping handfuls of sedatives to survive overwhelming grief. I was running so much i was ripping the tendons off the bones in my leg and drowning in pain pills to knock back the pain so I could run more. Oh. And i was literally bleeding to death. “You look so fit!” “Look at how healthy you’re getting!” “You look the best you ever have! You must be making good food choices.” All I ate was rice krispy treats and Dr. Pepper and only those because One of my friends  begged me every day to eat *something.* My blood pressure dropped. My doctor was impressed. Never mind that I had no blood and wasn’t functioning as a human. But hey! “Look at the scale. Look at all the pretty numbers! Wonder why your kidneys are low functioning? Oh well you’re really thin. You must be healthy!” I’m wracked with guilt for gaining weight after I met my fiancé. i feel like I betrayed him by not continuing to starve to look “healthy.” He

Stephan Paddock ended my life as I knew it. Y’all who were around know the story. Those who weren’t, I’m not sure I can rehash it but, in very short version, my significant other at the time was caught up in the chaos after the shootings in Vegas, though not in the shootings themselves and it triggered his PTSD/BPD and escalated his abusive behaviors from manipulation and control into physical intimidation, verbal and financial abuse, and violence. After almost four years together, we broke up two months after the shootings. And cool. Like that needed to happen and I’m grateful I didn’t stay trapped in that low level controlling crap any longer than I did so I’m glad it got triggered and he blew up while we could still split without too much legal entanglement. His trigger was the shooting but his refusal to seek help and instead give into cruelty is on him. ... That said, the investigation on the Las Vegas shooting wrapped up this week and it has me shaken. The determinati